Mom took her last breath one year ago today. Her family was gathered all around for her comfort and each others’. We mostly just waited. We knew it was coming. The end was peaceful and quiet and sad. One year before that day we weren’t even aware that she was sick. She was and we found out in time for her to enjoy much of the time she had left. I am grateful for that. She was full of love, life and happiness. Not a single soul who met my mom disliked her. The was a treasure to our world and a blessing to any one who knew her.
I never felt like I was like her. Her creative personality, her drive, her love for life were all qualities I felt like I didn’t have. She was talented and outgoing and full of care. I felt selfish all my life because I wasn’t like her. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to give to the world happiness and love like she did when she smiled. I wanted to share my talents and make things that would make people smile. I wanted to make people feel as amazing as she made everyone feel. I didn’t think I was. Now I know I am. I know now I am like my mom. I am not a talented seamstress or a gifted actress or a super smart program director. I am caring, I am a great mother, I love laughter and smiling and making people feel good. I inherited those natural qualities that she had and can’t be taught. I am very lucky to be like her and to be like me.
Upon my husband’s death my mom advised me. She said people will have great intentions. They will want to help you and tell you they understand how you feel and that they have been in similar situations. Then they may tell you a story about a death that was meaningful to them to relate. But grief is not the same for everyone. The grieving process is different for everyone. You can feel however you want to feel. You can cry or be angry or be silent. I try to remember this when I think of my mom and how much it hurts that she’s gone and feel like I an not doing very much to memorialize her. I grieve my way and it is personal.
I miss my mom. I wish she were around to chat with, to laugh with or to give me advice. The biggest challenge since her passing is realizing every single day that she is proud of the person I am. I know she is.
Missing mom
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